There are two things common to most people’s weight loss and exercise journeys: blame and shame. We blame ourselves for not being able to stick to the plan and feel shame for how we look and the choices that we make. Many of us were raised with blame and shame whenever we did something wrong and so we continue to feel that way whenever we fail at something. However, blame and shame might actually be killing your progress – and not just regarding your health, but for any behavior you’re trying to change.

When you blame or shame yourself for failure, you are concentrating on the problem: Why did I do that? Why can’t I do better? What was I thinking? Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? I’m never going to be able to conquer this. You spend more time berating yourself for what you’ve done instead of planning how to get where you want to be. The cycle can be endless and reappear whenever we feel less than confident in what we’re doing. Blame and shame can eat up vast amounts of mental time and effort – so much so that you don’t have the energy to move forward.

How can you concentrate on the solution instead of the problem? One strategy to try is self-empathy. Self-empathy is extending compassion to yourself when you feel inadequate, that you failed, or when you are suffering. It is being understanding towards yourself when you made a less than ideal choice. Self-empathy allows you to genuinely acknowledge that you’re human and you’re doing the best that you can at that moment. Recognizing this frequently lets you put the moment aside so that you can figure out how to move forward instead of dwelling on the past.

It can be easy to feel empathetic towards someone you love, but tough to apply to yourself, especially if most of your self-talk has been negative. Stuart Smalley’s strategy of looking in the mirror and telling himself that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me,” feels fake when you’ve been telling yourself the opposite for years. So how can you cultivate self-empathy if simple affirmations don’t work? Often times, the first step is to notice how frequently you’re blaming and shaming yourself and what triggers this type of behavior. James Prochaska, behavioral change specialist, called this detecting the Activating event. So what are your activating events?

For me, it’s whenever I put myself in a vulnerable position – reaching out to someone new, sharing something personal and private, talking to strangers, or trying something for the first time – any situation in which I might make a mistake. Making a mistake feels like a sin and I will blame and shame myself, engage in a lot of negative self-talk re-living the incident and trying to anticipate how any bystanders will view me. My initial instinct it to do damage control – apologize profusely, over-explain, and draw far more attention to my error than it would otherwise draw. 

What’s next now that you know what your activating events are? Analyze your Beliefs about the activating events and the Consequences of your beliefs. For me, these events make me so uncomfortable that I want to do anything to avoid them. I’m afraid to try new things, doubt myself, and my self-esteem takes a hit. The entire experience makes me extremely stressed out.

How can I move forward in the face of so much negativity? I can Dispute these distressing statements by turning my negative self-talk into positive feelings and comments. This works best when you formulate more rational statements to counter your more emotional negative self-talk. If it’s tough for you to create positive affirmations, start with a more neutral observation like, “That didn’t go as well as you would have liked, but it’s practice for next time.” Try to find something that resonates with you and that you can remember to use and will believe in the face of your inner gremlin. Then practice – try to counter your negative self-talk when you notice it and see if you notice a difference over time. Here’s a summary of the steps to take:

ABCD Method of Cultivating Positive Self-Talk

• Activating events – what are they?
• Beliefs – what are your beliefs about the activating events?
• Consequences – what are the consequences of your beliefs?
• Dispute – dispute negative self-talk with positive self-talk.

Give it a try. I’d love to hear about your experience with self-talk and the ABCD Method. Let me know in the comments below.